I've been trying to control my life in a big way lately, but to no avail. The harder I work to keep things together, the more things fall apart.
Monday was my breaking point. The carpet in my apartment was covered in a mountain of dirty laundry, junk mail, and all the other things I haven't had time to sort in months, and my brain was equally scattered. I was supposed to have my lines memorized for that night's rehearsal and every page was a blur. And then my Mom called. Naturally, I burst into tears. And collapsed on the nearest pile of clothes. And wailed for two hours. And like he's done over and over again in my life, God met me there. On the floor of my bedroom. Using a dirty t-shirt to sop up my snot.
But the amazing thing about God is this: though he brings us to the edge sometimes (and I do believe that the edge is where we have to be to really meet him), he never just leaves us there. Time and time again, he picks us up off the floor, wipes the snot off our face, and wraps us in his loving arms. And every time his embrace feels a little stronger.
Through all this, I'm learning that at the root of my control-freak-ness is this mistaken belief that God doesn't know better than I do. That the things he wants for me are not as good as the things I can get for myself.
But the truth is, God is not out to get me. He's out to bless me. And his blessings, though they're never what I expect, are richer, better than anything I could have ever come up with on my own.
I'm living on 200 dollars a week right now. Plus food stamps. And in two months, I start yet another internship (only for the summer, though--then I swear I'm kicking the habit!) where I'll be making even less. To the naked eye, my life doesn't look very blessed. But "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil. 4:13)
And he is strengthening me.
In so many ways.
I came west to grow, to find how far God's arms could stretch. And almost a year after making the decision, I find myself floored by the height and depth of his love for me.
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."